the grass —̳͟͞͞

Today

I found a dandelion

in the wrong season.

Just the one.

𓇢𓆸

I picked it up

and crinkled it angrily in my palm

before screaming

“How could you do this to me?!”

The sea is the worst.

﹏ᨒ

I started crying

but my palms were sticky 

with dandelion seeds and tears.

A few lingered.

𓇢𓇢𓇢 𓇢𓆸

I stretched my palm out

and blew hard towards the water,

far below.

ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ

The wind

was blowing in along the cliff,

towards the water, and most of them 

got carried away.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝

I pocketed

a lily of the valley

for later, and turned to walk back

towards the

street.

𓇗

It

does not matter

that the river is clear,

if one does not

go

there.

𓂃

It is easy to spend

all of one’s days by the sea

throwing away useful seeds

and collecting poisonous flowers.

They are beautiful

to look at.  

𓆉

du prøvde å utslette meg!

jeg

bygger opp igjen

fra de minste frø

og de mest grunnleggende biter

mens du fortsetter å gjøre

det du gjør ~

men gresset mellom havet og elven glemte meg ikke

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊∞︎︎

you tried to obliterate me !

i'm rebuilding

from the smallest of seeds

and the most basic of pieces

meanwhile you keep doing

what you're doing ~

but

the grass between

the ocean and the river

didn't forget about

me

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊∞︎︎

This poem was originally written in November 2021 and added to in April 2024.

Flower

Humanity,

can you stop

being so aggressive with your architecture?

I have to eat something soon, and

what good is my adventurous, fighting spirit,

with a paw caught in this chain-link fence?

Last year,

a chipmunk named Flower

was kind enough

to show me to the

strawberries.

She smiled at me as we munched on them together.

And when a cool breeze came up,

I huddled closer to her, my red tail curled around both of us.

I know I am, once again, waxing poetry over this beautiful grassy field —

but what good is the sunrise?

Every day seems just like the last.

As the stars begin to fade, I think about

everyone and everything I have ever loved.

With a deep breath in, and out, into the birds waking up,

into the flowers, into cool, thin, but promising air,

I loosen the vines, a rusty link breaks, and I pull my leg free.

I am a bit scratched.

Forgiveness is not

essential to functioning,

it seems. As I lick my wounds,

I hear my mother

approaching.

I turn my head back to smile at Flower,

who is now running through the

small patches of red berries and green leaves.

Of course, she is running in the other direction.

I guess I knew this would happen.

Most of the time, instinct overtakes us.

She stops to smell one of the white and pink

strawberry flowers. She bites it off and carries it away in her mouth.

She likes to save these things.

I’ll introduce you, next time.

everything is like water

it’s been a long day

since I let my eyes fall to your lips

this morning while

pouring coffee

now i drink from a nearly empty cup with a marshmallow of whipped cream and

widen my eyes under the wedding tent as you wash your face by

your partner’s umbrella

you wander down to the string lights that spray

over the dock like laying between almond sheets at sunrise

and I’m too scared to go down

because someone walks by in a sweat and they

remind me of how you

smell when you stand so close that

I can feel your shoulders over mine

a jacket protecting the barstool

is like your calloused hand

grazing strings over soft cherry branches

you play for her like you are falling into

fall leaves - soft but breaking

seven years ago

we kissed where the river meets the ocean in splashing spray

like my heart

always goes after

you

like rivers

are your hands holding mine to hold me steady in the current

and when it’s not enough because I am shaking

you hug me tight like all you want is for me to be warm and loved

I hope there is a cove where

the river meets the sea

for one day only

and I can melt into you as the

grass falls into the river

because the dock is a way for us to jump in

because my earth energy says that you can get some sleep and you’ll wrap us in a quilt

the cove is still here and you turn to face me. I step in

to the water and sunset turns to a starry night and then the sun of daylight

quiet strumming

like dew kissing soft roses

we talked all night and now waking up and brushing the dust onto the dock, I jump onto your back and

you start walking in the shallow water

that we will be queer together

that we can borrow each other’s shirts

that we will live by the

water

player rose

A note for the reader: This poem will include topics such as the purity complex, the male gaze, objectification, fire and related destruction, earthquakes, and landslides. A lot of things are glazed over but the poem hints at emotionally charged topics and situations. Please take care as you read, and take a break or stop reading if necessary. Thank you.

What is an explosion? An explosion is like writing a book when you were only taught to read books. An explosion is like removing all the books from my shelf written by White men, because I spent the first 25 years of my life inhaling a similar strain, and I’m tired of it! It has limited me. The doctor told me that I breathe too shallowly. All of the time…

I replace the embers with perspectives that laid a foundation that allowed me to be grounded. To grow roots in earthquake-cemented cracks. To write in chalk on a smooth surface. An explosion is when you knew the foundation was shaky, but never thought it would crumble.

An explosion is when letters stolen from the mail are anonymously dropped off one day. And someone reads them and calls on the phone to talk. To apologize. An explosion is when something happens outside of me that changes my world, that I didn’t have to instigate. I just slept, and it happened. I just read, and it happened. I just curled up in the rain, and it happened. I just fell asleep to jazz music, and it still happened. The sun brightened one day, and it warmed me. I was already wearing a sweater, but this was better. Maybe this is what it’s like when we pass away. Good things continue to happen. And sometimes even now, we can rest. And watch the universe…do its thing. Good things are inevitable. 

You lived inside woodwork walls eaten slowly by termites. The trees grew through them and it became more of a bird sanctuary. And then one day the house was gone. You kept wondering why that one kid you used to know burned his house down. And someone else burned an old church. You don’t understand it. I wish I could wash your fears away but I don’t really know why either. I wipe rose water from my cheeks and smile because the sunrise is nice. Even with some smog. I drink from my water bottle. Passion fruit. I put it down and close my eyes, rubbing my face.

Everyone must know that fire is hard to control. They must know that right? The landslides are dangerous too…I had been told to fit in, and not expect much. But then something finally changed. Shifted. The water changed shape. The current became droplets. I opened my eyes and took another sip from the water bottle. It’s like, this morning is my life. It’s lasting and I don’t mind. Yesterday, I watched you in the pouring rain. I didn’t wave. I walked away in bare feet. My soles felt the water. Peach tea. Then rose water. Then I smelled gardenias. I touched the cement ground with tear-stained hands. I dried my hands on the pockets of my sweater.

I opened the door and let myself exhale. I closed the door behind me for the last time. This was the end of a chapter. There was a distance. I knew no one was following me. I had a day to rest and drink orange juice. I am house-sitting, and no one is coming by, unless I invite them. I have rolls baking in the oven. Hmm…I smiled, nervously. I locked the door, only checking once.  I knew you weren’t coming back but I couldn’t quite believe it. I laid on the floor, with my arms outstretched like a carpet snow angel. I eyed the cat and the cat eyed me. Snowball landed on my stomach and purred. 

I sang a song to myself. With no one watching. And not as a statue, or a bag of flesh, or an innocent fantasy, or your purity complex. That’s right, your purity complex. You were the purity complex. You were the museum curator. I was never part of the exhibit. I have always been watching. Omniscient. Maybe I know exactly what goes on. My gaze has never had the privilege that yours has.

Years ago, I took note of what is not said when you stare deep into my eyes. I see only emptiness. Like a crater in the moon. And I lament that. For two seconds, and then I’m done. I’m actually going out to the beach this evening to catch the tide, low at sunset. The moon is mine again. Even though you were only a child. You used to ride bikes. 

I wish I could do that. Without being afraid. For now, I sing to the cat, a sanctuary with no one watching. I guess it is possible to live life without being gazed upon. What am I then? The mist? A concept. A tree! I am definitely a tree if nothing else in concrete. I have always wanted roots. Now I feel confident because the roots will exist regardless of how tall I decide to grow. And thorns protect. No one is watching. I can grow leaves. They bask in the sun. They are everything I’ve ever wanted.

When I presented as cisgender, I was considered beautiful for a time. After I straightened my hair, plucked my eyebrows, and moved to a Sunland filled with heavy industry and barely trees. Where my hair got highlighted in the sun. Effortless. Pure sunlight. People called me a statue “Like the ones in museums!” They say. “Like a painting!” “Like a portrait!” 

I try to take it as a compliment. It’s not working for me. You’re not working for me. They don’t say these things anymore, and it’s kind of a relief. However, I still soften my voice at the pharmacy counter and in the beauty store. I go to buy blue eyeliner to scare the neighbors.

I want to write chalk messages at the mall parking lot. I feel the most dysphoric at the mall, and yet I am constantly asked to go back there. Go back. Go back. Go back. Like in my childhood neighborhood. Neighborhoods. Not all of the houses are still there. Of course, because this is like a tv show, they rebuilt the house exactly as before. A pleasant set…There. It’s perfect. Like a set designer had all the details? Down to a potted plant knocked over. They propped it back up. For a better appearance. I really just wanted someone to ask him why he burned the house down. Does the why not matter? Then again if someone burned my house down, I wouldn’t care why. I don’t know how people sleep at night knowing they have destroyed someone.

How do we hold humanity? Some people are….too much. How do we craft a narrative? What is harmful? What is clear-cut, right, and wrong? What is nuanced? What is safety? What is it to be protected? Are only the attractive protected? Are only the upper class protected? Or is it all of us, living as islands who experience every storm alone?

Snowball curls up with me when it thunders, but I only got her two months ago. In fact, she is still a kitten…You know, I am a maple tree, grafted with rose grafted with a berry bush. Unlikely but real. Not on the map. Barely visible, arising from under clouds. The roses are rooted.  I am here, I have always been here, and I will always exist. But I do not work for you. I am not here for you. I do not exist for you. I am unwatchable. You can land here. He has fluttered away.

Forever.

something has changed

I am writing to you

because something has changed;

and so now I can say that I

miss you.

My past burns like

noetic ash from fresh flowers.

They used to be in a woven basket.

Now it lays empty, by the door.

With

embers brushed from the fireplace,

I have covered all of the furniture,

and stopped the newspaper from coming;

I want to climb the hill before sunrise.

So quiet even the cows do not hear me ascend

the cobalt grass, cool like

starlight.

I can see from this vantage point

that you are the city glowing,

and I see you through the quiet stillness at the top of the world.

In the way I can hear a small breeze, I can hear you smiling.

I see you in the way the sun casts rays across each treetop like

the light is water you are pouring.

You left part of you with me,

when you placed our hands together

around a coffee mug by the firelight.

When you saw me waiting on the moon

and brought me to earth to be loved.

If old books and stale conversations

failed to make sense, it’s because I couldn’t afford to

fall apart in your arms.

Especially not when I felt time

speeding up, and you

slipping away to the next life.

Plants arising

from ash truly live forever,

or as much of forever as I can understand.

It’s okay to leave some things unspoken, like all the

love I feel that you

cannot see.

you can unravel

Content warning: This poem contains brief, non-graphic mentions of sexual harassment and road rage.

My skin glowed 

like dew on evening grass,

as I plucked a pink camellia from an overflowing array,

by an efflorescent abode

I know well.

It is a garden 

where shells are deeply buried,

and cactus flowers grow in carefully packed soil.

I tucked the blossom behind my ear, 

and sauntered down the street, 

humming to myself.

“Hey sexy!”

Someone yelled from a passing car. 

“What are you up to?” I glanced at them

long enough to scowl

And kept walking.

I buttoned my sweater

more.

I heard a memory,

whispering in the breeze. 

You handled that with grace. You have a quiet strength.

I rolled my eyes, and kept walking.

I am respected for accepting comments

with a smile, I thought to myself. 

Crossing the street,

my mind 

was increasingly alight, like birthday candles on pizza. 

I walked through a barbecue 

and the cara-cara sun captured me —

orange juice. 

Passing headlights revealed

too much of my rosy summer cheeks.

A pink petal 

rolled down my body. 

Clenching my hand shut, I held onto it;

it was the only warm thing. 

My shoulders grew cold. 

Like someone snapped my day into night.

Metallic rain shimmered on the pavement, 

growing brighter —

I heard a loud screech

 and whipped my head around to see an 

escalade with tinted windows roaring towards me —

towards the footpath. 

My eyes

gleamed like flickering candles —

I didn’t want to be seen like this.

A single petal fell through my hair, blowing 

in the wind.

I saw

my original kin,

asleep in their beds —

chocolate cake with 

pink frosting—

As headlights increased 

like a halo around me, I closed my eyes, 

slowing my heartbeat. And I let my floral dress

carry me —

All

five foot eight inches of my organza body 

crash-landed in a 

boxwood hedge. 

The future

roared past, an inch from 

my soft shoulders. My breath came 

in shallow waves.

As 

the rain hit the asphalt,

as I lay there shaking, 

I was quiet. 

I walked 

several blocks home 

in the dark. I wrote to a friend 

but got no reply as I stared at the ceiling. 

Bolting the door a second time, I crumpled

myself like a piece

of paper.

Several weeks later,

my face covered in dew droplets in the morning, 

the sun kissed me through the iridescent window. And she said,

“Silence is not always a virtue. 

You can unravel this paper.”

I stepped outside. 

I breathed in the sounds of a morning.

As pink strands crossed my face, I allowed my fears to fade. 

I let myself cry. The first time this year. I breathed out, feeling the warm sun.  

And I thought about how there are neurons in our heart.

Trying to listen; pay attention to that.

I looked down.  

The paper was gone from my hands, and in my palms

were pink flower petals.

And I let them go. 







 



nothing has changed

I want to write to you

but nothing has changed;

and so how can I say that I miss you?

I want you in my life again,

because you are one of the pieces of the puzzle

that makes me feel like my struggles

make sense.

And yet there you are, so far away —

but I’m not ready to accept mediocrity.

There are things

that I want to overcome

but I don’t know if I can.

I don’t believe in playing football,

and gray is my favorite color.

I hate the way some things are.

I just feel like I was in the very middle of

getting to know you.

If you like football,

I guess that’s okay,

since I’m learning to be a listener,

not a preacher.



Nothing Has Changed was originally written in 2017, and completed in 2022. It was performed live at the Maine TransNet Talent Takeover on March 26, 2022 in Portland, ME; also known Machigonne; on the ancestral lands of the Abenaki and other Indigenous Tribes of the Wabanaki Confederacy.

love at a low frequency

My heart grows cold,

and I button a wool sweater.

I borrow the same one every time I go to my grandma’s house.

Every time I see you, I am on a walk under shifting palm trees

blowing in the evening wind.

I am seventeen again, and you are climbing in my window.

Then I am 21 and you are sneaking into my dorm room.

While I loved all of you

and wanted to know you,

I was just a temporary amusement

to you.

The meaning of life

may be fun and games

but I’m done playing.

In the morning, I wash my feet, put on clean shoes, and walk away—

from all of you.

I don’t like being self-reliant.

I don’t even know if it’s possible.

But I have been let down so many times.

Reality is a slow-burning candle and I have found a

Church that is graceless.

Grace

is my head softly nestled against your chest.

We worship at a golden sunrise

shimmering through dusty window panes.

Croissants bake nearby

and doves wake us up, slowly mourning.

Entangled in you,

with blankets of light increasing,

Love is not a resource.

When all that is really left

are people who

have to use each other

to be even vaguely okay,

Who can I rely on?




What do I do with the desert?

In liminal spaces

between fire

and air

is a river, 

and I’ll be there every day

throughout this long and varied present. 

When every day 

I reach breaking points, 

I feel myself shatter in the rivers. 

The water transforms my body into prisms of light. 

A rainbow on a drying riverbed. 

What do I do with the desert, 

where there is nowhere to hide? 

Succulents watch as I drift 

away like flower petals to root 

in gardens that will actually

hold me. 

Sometimes

there are 

fire lit candles from homes

shining through golden pains

of tempered glass.  

Soft voices murmur and 

glasses clink, when it gently rains down on me.
I hear singing cello tones from my past lives. 

I don’t know

whether I am the singing soil

or 

the seed in waiting but

you are water —

the water in the river bed,

and the water that rains down on me now. 

At least

I see now

that a seed

is not expected

to grow without water.

When I thought I was failing, 

I was only meant to be in waiting.

I don’t really know what grace is,

but maybe it is a seed—

finally

feeling

the soft

rain.

The Universe Is Two Birds

You

are

sunlight

on a watercolor face;

raindrops on parched lips. 

Butterflies at my cheeks 

and a moth perched on my nose. 

Fish swimming beside me in a river and a snapping turtle

that refuses to bite.

You are a lion’s growl and the softness of breath when we sleep.

You healed my broken wings 

and turned my feathers into prisms of light.

You are the warmth in my eyes and the happy kind of tears.

We are two birds flying through the eternal sunset.

We can fly

anywhere.



bloom at the water’s edge

my life might be chaos 

but your eyes are a safe place to rest

and our voices together are medicine,

like honey

Like

jumping into a cold lake at sunrise,

With loons wailing,

I feel alive again. 

I sing softly back to the loons

as I sit at the water’s edge, asking

“How did I get here?”

The galaxy is more compassionate

than sleepless nights 

and the melodies I sing

only exist

because you were there to hear them. 

As flower petals unfold

around me, 

I forgot

that

I ever

felt 

alone. 

When my skin

absorbs the cool rain in monsoon season,

I’ll think about how you all wove a musical quilt

that I wrapped around myself to stay warm. 

I sometimes think about how

we don’t end

at the edges

of our bodies. When

every day feels like a protest,

I can feel these songs with me;

no matter how

far

roam.

Or maybe

it’s because sound

carries differently

across a lake.

You can

whisper

and

be

heard.

The cello

sings to me in a past life.

I feel it, like my own heart beating. 

I have been ripped open,

and I don’t

care.

                       

There

are many landscapes

I traverse without a compass. 

I don’t know how I got here-- 

Able to sing

when

it was so hard

to speak. 

I am like

a cactus flower

That decided to bloom

At the water’s edge. 

And the desert sky said,

There’s no water here. 

And the flower said,

I have everything

I need

To 

Bloom.




This poem is dedicated to my 

Queer Summer Camp fam, aka  

LifeSongs Summer 2021 cohort:

Sampson, Geo, Matt S, Matt B, 

Toast, Johnny, Lysander, Kallie

and Luka. I couldn’t have done

this project without each one of

you. You supported me, supported

each other and most of all, you

validated that queer stories are

worth sharing.  P.S. This poem is

also an ode to each of our songs.

Appreciate all of you.

-Lake



You are a lantern though you can't see it yet

I

didn’t

go into this   

expecting to care. I didn’t try 

to feel something.

But then 

you looked over at me,

And I felt whole.

You are a lantern

Lighting up

the cracked cement ground I stand

upon,

warm, strong hands

drying my tear-stained cheeks

In a

grove of trees in the city

I made eye contact 

But dashed my gaze away,

Like a leaf blowing down the 

Street.

I like the way you

smile at me like you

are holding my hands in yours.

Surrounded by people running from their truest desires

My eyes are a safe place to rest

and

It feels

like you understand

that I need 

To be 

tangibly

loved.


a payment plan

I wish I had

some sort of a payment plan

Set up with all those guys

Who have said 

I don’t really see it that way but

You would get along really well 

With my sister. 

So yeah, your sister has probably more acutely experienced

Oppression and hardships and sexism

She is/they are more aware of the urgency of system change

While to you, it’s just a theoretical concept

For a Saturday afternoon 

If you’re in the mood

there is a way in which my eyes see every moment

There is a tea shop,

in an old building, with a hand-plastered tile floor.

Small cream and yellow squares break off every day under sock-clad feet.

Umbrellas litter the floor on rainy days, but no one trips.

I sit, drinking a tea like soil,

as the leaves stir in my memory.

My bare feet are rooted on the tile floor while also walking the smooth floor of a temple.

I close my dueling eyes like fluttering wings

to become only this.

My body is in the tea shop, sipping, but only the building is a brick portal,

while I am only a feeling.

I have often found,

in the way my eyes blink nervously, and then flutter open again,

that the faces around me have changed.

I am at a sunny picnic day that is familiar like a memory, but it hasn’t happened yet. The landscape is familiar, as is the house, but I have never been there. Yellow flowers…

Later, breathing deep breaths beneath my breath, beneath the warm breezes outside the shop, as I look at city lights just to be, to just be, without the pressure to create, achieve, and impress,

I think about and wonder when will I ever find myself in this ocean.

I  wear a maroon hoodie with arms crossed, strands of hair across my face.

Today, and on days when the smoky sun begins to collapse all around me I am like, “maybe tomorrow I’ll be satisfied.”

My body is a tea pot,

and every morning, I throw the covers off of me, and I throw off the lid of this tea pot, because I am not done yet,

only misplaced.



the ash of a wednesday

watercolor jacaranda leaves flutter to the ground

under the bare feet we walk on, casually

the sun bakes our shoulders and the glitter on my face from last night

there’s no breakfast like the things you won’t say to me

your body, a heart as sacred soil, fenced in and desert-like

with flowers dried and decomposing on what is left

every time you back up your car without looking

i scream internally and love the way the sunset plays across your nose as we drive

you carried me down the mountain when my ankle hurt after that hike we so stupidly did, wading through

the ash of a wednesday

i need you to understand that we were hugging, from across the table,

the first time I looked into your eyes, and you smiled back

it wasn’t just that I thought about holding you, it was like you

were already holding me

cupping your hand over my soft shoulders, before pulling me even closer,

like you will do this; will take care of me; forever

i will always worship at the altar of our bodies embracing

softly, at sunset, your hands around my waist

mostly obscured by blankets and only the light from outside

you’re an impressionistic version of yourself, which is

a hardened necessity so i can forget this temporality

because i don’t want this to be a mistake

because i love you

it’s too bad—and trust me, I wish I could pull different words and devotions out of you—but you will

always say in the end,

that I am too much and you that you don’t love me

eternal

it’s all okay in love

nothing matters

teardrops

raindrops

mac keyboard chatter and my teeth

light clickety clacks

i love those with whom i have an eternal connection

so i sometimes feel like everything fun has been restricted